I've got a book where I write down my most vivid/strange/stressful/happiest dreams. I'm not sure why, I just like to remember them, a bit like re-watching a movie!
The book didn't start out as a dream diary, it started it's life as a blank canvas for my random thoughts and rambling at a point in my life where I really began to comtemplate the world I lived in.
I haven't read back through it in an age, but this morning I just happenned to glance at one of my writings, and I realised that many of the opinions I have now were taking shape during that period of my life.
I felt the need to share, therefore the next 5 or 6 posts are taken directly from passages I wrote when I was around 19-22 years old.
Friday, 13 January 2012
Get your ducks in a row
Deal with one thing at a time. You need to be able to see the big picture, but you also need to deal with the important bits as and when they come.
So now I try to push everything aside in my head and concentrate on one stress at a time. Maybe even write them all down so I can try and completely clear them out of my head until I need to worry about them."
Why I don't believe in a media-driven society
I'll start by simply copying out a passage I wrote when I was 19 and just waking up to the world with adult eyes:
"What Makes the World Go Round?
Sex.
Sex and money.
Sex and money rule the world and I hate it.
Surely there's more to life. That can't be it. That can't be the meaning of life, surely. The reason for everything- the reason for the universe and water and earth and light and existance- to have sex and make money?
It's a very sad world if that really is it, but I can't help thinking that's about as far as it goes for humans.
I mean, just look at us. Everything in the world leads back to sex or money. Almost all advertising has sex in it somewhere, and the point of advertising is to sell things and make money.
TV: it's all about sex. I was just watching 'Celebrity Love Island.' What a pile of shite, but we watch it in our thousands just to see if some z list celebrity (who is only famous because people would like to sleep with them) gets it on with another z list celebrity.
I don't want to have to bring myself down to this level of existance, where sex and money are all that really count, but how can I avoid it? I've got to make money to survive. And I want to have relationships but it seems that I'm not going to be able to get into anything unless I'm willing to sleep with the bloke before I even know him.
I'm being pressured by a society I don't want to be a part of, but I can't get away from.
I don't want to have to accept that this is all life is about but everything seems to say that it is. Neil was only interested in me when he thought he was going to get sex, and when I didn't give it to him straight away he blanked me. So that's all I've got to offer then? I'm a body to have sex with. And all the talking and touching and getting to know each other, that's just an inconvenience that you have to put up with to get to the sex. 'It would be so much better if you could just skip all that and get straight down to it, but you've got to keep the ladies happy.' I feel like such a toy."
The first thing you need to bear in mind when you read this is that I was having a bit of a shitter when I wrote it! I'm not always this negative about men, as you'll find if you continue to read this blog!
But, saying this, I think the point I make is totally relevant to a media-driven society. The media is a simplified and dramatised mirror of ourselves. It takes cultural stereotypes, picks out the most entertaining and marketable elements of them, and then projects them back at us in a way it is damn near impossible to escape.
What you're left with is the same handful of characters and storylines repeated over and over and over until it's all you can do not to believe them so fully that you judge everybody you meet by what you've seen on TV /in magazines/ through pop music/ etc. Is he the smooth talking womaniser, or the cheeky blokey bloke, or is he the perfect sensitive yet strong hero? Is she the sexy yet innocent victim, the mother figure or the thick skinned, straight talking heroine?
My point about sex in the media is that every single character you come accross has a sexual stereotype written into them- expected of them. The womaniser will seduce you, bed you and leave you wanting more. The cheeky bloke will see you as a sex object, call you fit and make a bet with his mates that he can get into your knickers by the end of the night. The hero is the only one who will take you seriously- but you usually only find him in stories written specifically for women! And when he does appear in a story written for men, he's always been done wrong by the one woman he ever loved, and is therefore damaged and unavailable.
And as for women in the media, the victim will always have men falling at her feet, the mother will never get a shag because she's only there to look after everyone, and the straight talking heroine is so busy taking care of business, she has no interest in, or time for sex.
And so as part of a media society, we start to believe that this is all humanity has to offer when it comes to sex. I had certainly, as I emerged from my teenage years, begun to believe that every man was either a cheeky bloke or a womaniser, and the media DID NOTHING TO HELP. It amplified my concerns. It helped to destroy my sexual confidence and my confidence in society!
As for a money-driven society. Well, do I even need to comment on this? Just turn the TV on and note how many messages are drilled into your skull about things you really-can't-live-without-because-everyone-else-has-got-one-and-they're-so-god-damn-happy! Take a look at the pile of bills that came through the door in the last couple of months... how much tax you had to pay, not just on what you earned but on what you bought with the money you earned and already paid tax on... Just imagine how difficult it would be to decide you weren't going to have money in your life any more- how you would go about opting out of our money-obsessed world. The trouble with the media is that there is NO portrayal of a western world not driven by money, unless you specifically go out looking for it.
I'm actually a little surprised to look back and realise that my opinions of the media-driven society, though quite uneducated and a little rough round the edges, began to emerge when I was still a child, and they haven't changed much since. My life now is about finding peace in a balanced place where I can live my life happily, aware of the media-driven world but watching it from a distance, joining in when I want/need to but letting myself be affected by it as little as possible.
So as a reaction to this passage: no- it is not true that the world runs on sex and money. The media runs on sex and money. And when you find the exit door and join the world on the outside I believe that's when you really start living.
"What Makes the World Go Round?
Sex and money.
Sex and money rule the world and I hate it.
Surely there's more to life. That can't be it. That can't be the meaning of life, surely. The reason for everything- the reason for the universe and water and earth and light and existance- to have sex and make money?
It's a very sad world if that really is it, but I can't help thinking that's about as far as it goes for humans.
I mean, just look at us. Everything in the world leads back to sex or money. Almost all advertising has sex in it somewhere, and the point of advertising is to sell things and make money.
TV: it's all about sex. I was just watching 'Celebrity Love Island.' What a pile of shite, but we watch it in our thousands just to see if some z list celebrity (who is only famous because people would like to sleep with them) gets it on with another z list celebrity.
I don't want to have to bring myself down to this level of existance, where sex and money are all that really count, but how can I avoid it? I've got to make money to survive. And I want to have relationships but it seems that I'm not going to be able to get into anything unless I'm willing to sleep with the bloke before I even know him.
I'm being pressured by a society I don't want to be a part of, but I can't get away from.
I don't want to have to accept that this is all life is about but everything seems to say that it is. Neil was only interested in me when he thought he was going to get sex, and when I didn't give it to him straight away he blanked me. So that's all I've got to offer then? I'm a body to have sex with. And all the talking and touching and getting to know each other, that's just an inconvenience that you have to put up with to get to the sex. 'It would be so much better if you could just skip all that and get straight down to it, but you've got to keep the ladies happy.' I feel like such a toy."
The first thing you need to bear in mind when you read this is that I was having a bit of a shitter when I wrote it! I'm not always this negative about men, as you'll find if you continue to read this blog!
But, saying this, I think the point I make is totally relevant to a media-driven society. The media is a simplified and dramatised mirror of ourselves. It takes cultural stereotypes, picks out the most entertaining and marketable elements of them, and then projects them back at us in a way it is damn near impossible to escape.
 |
| My Hero!!! |
 |
| "And if you look just over there, you'll see your dignity disappearing over the horizon" |
 |
| Oi oi! Lets av it! |
And so as part of a media society, we start to believe that this is all humanity has to offer when it comes to sex. I had certainly, as I emerged from my teenage years, begun to believe that every man was either a cheeky bloke or a womaniser, and the media DID NOTHING TO HELP. It amplified my concerns. It helped to destroy my sexual confidence and my confidence in society!
As for a money-driven society. Well, do I even need to comment on this? Just turn the TV on and note how many messages are drilled into your skull about things you really-can't-live-without-because-everyone-else-has-got-one-and-they're-so-god-damn-happy! Take a look at the pile of bills that came through the door in the last couple of months... how much tax you had to pay, not just on what you earned but on what you bought with the money you earned and already paid tax on... Just imagine how difficult it would be to decide you weren't going to have money in your life any more- how you would go about opting out of our money-obsessed world. The trouble with the media is that there is NO portrayal of a western world not driven by money, unless you specifically go out looking for it.
I'm actually a little surprised to look back and realise that my opinions of the media-driven society, though quite uneducated and a little rough round the edges, began to emerge when I was still a child, and they haven't changed much since. My life now is about finding peace in a balanced place where I can live my life happily, aware of the media-driven world but watching it from a distance, joining in when I want/need to but letting myself be affected by it as little as possible.
The Meaningful Clear-Out
Written age 20 but still just as relevant now:
" This isn't just tidying. This isn't just getting rid of clutter. This is a ritualistic elimination of the past you are trying to escape. It is an important part of moving on. It is done with a ruthful confidence that can only be brought on by some life-altering experience or change of situation.
Here I am, doing it right now- mercilessly binning drawings, clothes, cards, heartfelt pieces of writing- things I may well regret getting rid of when the dust has settled.
But it is not a negative thing: on the contrary, it feels good. It feels like the old life I was so unhappy with is finally giving way to something new and more exciting. The more I get rid of, the more I can feel the old me vanishing and the new me emerging like a phoenix from the ashes.
We attach so many memories to material things, so that even the most inanimate object can be overloaded with emotional triggers. These things can be hard to let go of, but holding onto them only prolongs the pain and gives us a constant reference point back to those feelings we need to leave behind."
Here I am, doing it right now- mercilessly binning drawings, clothes, cards, heartfelt pieces of writing- things I may well regret getting rid of when the dust has settled.
But it is not a negative thing: on the contrary, it feels good. It feels like the old life I was so unhappy with is finally giving way to something new and more exciting. The more I get rid of, the more I can feel the old me vanishing and the new me emerging like a phoenix from the ashes.
We attach so many memories to material things, so that even the most inanimate object can be overloaded with emotional triggers. These things can be hard to let go of, but holding onto them only prolongs the pain and gives us a constant reference point back to those feelings we need to leave behind."
A warning to young romantics
I wrote the following passage shortly after my first major relationship broke down and I ventured out into the world of the singleton with a huge heart, looking for love:
"Romance
Oh, romance. All that any woman ever wants from a relationship. Do not underestimate its power. It has the power to make a woman melt, or scream, or cry.
But it's a dream that cannot come true. Romance- true romance- is a fairytale. That in itself is a painful thing to come to terms with. I sit here in a perfect romantic setting, with candlelight filling my room and lovely guitar music playing, and I'm realising that all the dreams I had, and still have about 'love' will never come true because life isn't like it is in films and stories and romantic songs.
I so desperately want a man to fall in love with me- to be yearning for me. I want a man to take one look at me and just think I am beautiful.
But that's a pile of shite- blokes minds don't work like that. They just think with their dicks. They don't get 'mesmerised by beauty' so they can't take their eyes off you or get you out of their minds- they just imagine how good it would be to have sex with you."
Oooooh dear.
Bitter pill anyone?
Sorry girls, it's true. Men do think with their dicks. It's physiological: almost every male animal in the entire world does the same. No escaping that. Clearly, at this point in my life I was learning it the hard way.
Contradictorily however, men do fall head over heels for women. They DO become mesmerised. They DO find that they can't get a woman out of their minds, and it's not just because that woman is a good shag! (Though clearly this does help.)
But it isn't easy to find a connection with a man that is so strong they will feel this way about you. And this is where my warning message comes in.
At the time I wrote this passage, I wished so hard that someone could have told me about the whole dick-brain thing before I found it out for myself. And so here is my advice to girls new to the dating scene: just be aware of it. Don't be angry about it, don't be afraid of it. If a guy is treating you like shit because you won't let him into your pants after spending a few hours in his company then he is seriously NOT WORTH THE HASSLE. If you've spent a few weeks with him in your pants and he starts treating you like shit then he is NOT WORTH THE HASSLE. And there WILL be guys who do these things. They may even be genuinly nice guys if they weren't being manipulated by the thing in their pants.
On the flip side- it's best not to use the fantastic power you get as a woman by harnessing the dick-brain-control thing to manipulate men, unless you REALLY know what you're doing and you're OK with pissing men off by saying no, or you're 100% happy to see the thing through. Please dont' be a cock tease.
The thing to remember is that if a guy really likes you for what's inside your head as well as your pants, then (in theory at least) he won't be an absolute shit to you. Or maybe he will but he'll make it right somehow because he actually cares about you.
And if you get it right, there's no need to be bitter about it anyway! When you get it right, you can enjoy the dick-brain thing with your man, maybe even slip in a bit of romance, some guitar music and a few candles. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more...
"Romance
Oh, romance. All that any woman ever wants from a relationship. Do not underestimate its power. It has the power to make a woman melt, or scream, or cry.
I so desperately want a man to fall in love with me- to be yearning for me. I want a man to take one look at me and just think I am beautiful.
But that's a pile of shite- blokes minds don't work like that. They just think with their dicks. They don't get 'mesmerised by beauty' so they can't take their eyes off you or get you out of their minds- they just imagine how good it would be to have sex with you."
Oooooh dear.
Bitter pill anyone?
Sorry girls, it's true. Men do think with their dicks. It's physiological: almost every male animal in the entire world does the same. No escaping that. Clearly, at this point in my life I was learning it the hard way.
Contradictorily however, men do fall head over heels for women. They DO become mesmerised. They DO find that they can't get a woman out of their minds, and it's not just because that woman is a good shag! (Though clearly this does help.)
But it isn't easy to find a connection with a man that is so strong they will feel this way about you. And this is where my warning message comes in.
At the time I wrote this passage, I wished so hard that someone could have told me about the whole dick-brain thing before I found it out for myself. And so here is my advice to girls new to the dating scene: just be aware of it. Don't be angry about it, don't be afraid of it. If a guy is treating you like shit because you won't let him into your pants after spending a few hours in his company then he is seriously NOT WORTH THE HASSLE. If you've spent a few weeks with him in your pants and he starts treating you like shit then he is NOT WORTH THE HASSLE. And there WILL be guys who do these things. They may even be genuinly nice guys if they weren't being manipulated by the thing in their pants.
On the flip side- it's best not to use the fantastic power you get as a woman by harnessing the dick-brain-control thing to manipulate men, unless you REALLY know what you're doing and you're OK with pissing men off by saying no, or you're 100% happy to see the thing through. Please dont' be a cock tease.
The thing to remember is that if a guy really likes you for what's inside your head as well as your pants, then (in theory at least) he won't be an absolute shit to you. Or maybe he will but he'll make it right somehow because he actually cares about you.
And if you get it right, there's no need to be bitter about it anyway! When you get it right, you can enjoy the dick-brain thing with your man, maybe even slip in a bit of romance, some guitar music and a few candles. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more...
Pride and Prejudice
It seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life that after every major relationship break-down, I end up at the cinema with friends. After I broke up with my first love and boyfriend of over four years, I went to see Pride and Prejudice. It stirred up some pretty passionate feelings:
"I think I need to change the record slightly, but I guess at this point in my life I should be allowed to have lots of contemplative thoughts about love.
Yesterday I saw Pride and Prejudice at the cinema. I was falling into the same trap as always when I watched it. I was going 'ahh' and imagining myself in the same position, and thinking about how romantic it was that Mr Darcy loved Lizzie so much, but struggled against it, but in the end was overwhelmed by it.
But then I had to stop myself. I was sitting there in the cinema thinking 'this is ridiculous'
I mean- Lizzie was miserable and in tears. Mr Darcy was miserable and had not only found out that Lizzie didn't love him, but had been shouted at and told in no uncertain tems that she hated him.
In the film it's all romantic, but in real life those sorts of things are fucking horrible. It's not romantic to be in tears all the time. I have been in that situation- so unhappy in love that you can't stop crying almost every day. It is not romantic. And it's not romantic to be head over heels with someone who doesn't like you, because in real life they probably won't change their minds. And also, in real life you wouldn't want somebody you hated to be in love with you. So the person who's doing the unrequited loving has their thoughts and their life consumed by the person they're never going to get, and the person on the other side knows they've got someone in love with them who they really don't want to have anything to do with. It's not romantic, it's a mess.
Anyway, that's one side of it- that in films the unhappy bits are always romantic but in real life they're just horrible.
The other thing I was thinking about was the whole idea of love as it is in films like this one. It's the bee in my bonnet. I hate it that films give you this picture of love that you spend most of your youth in pursute of before realising it's not like that in real life.
The more I think about it, the more I can't believe my naivety and my ideals about love and relationships when I first started to get into it.
How could I have been so blinkered? How could I stumble into it so blindly but so full-throttle? I just pointed myself in the right direction and ran full pelt without stopping to think about what I was doing. I expected to fall in love every time I met a man I liked. I wanted to fall in love so badly, and I didn't understand anything. I didn't get how difficult love actually is to find, or how transitory it can be, or more importantly, that most people aren't actively seeking it like I was. I think I thought everyone entered a relationship hoping it would end in love, whereas actually most relationships seem to be entirely based on a physical attraction and sex to start with, and if there is acutally this wierd human conceptual force called 'love', that kicks in a long way down the line, if the physical attraction holds out but a strong friendship bond (that feeling of clicking) forms as well.
Anyway, getting back to Pride and Prejudice- the reason I believe I rushed off in search of fairytale love is that all I had learnt so far about love, I had learnt from books and films. I had no concept at all of how those stories are manipulated to please their female viewers. I mean- why do men hate romantic films so much?
Because they find them silly and cheesy. Because they don't think about romance in the same way women do. And this is the overriding fact that separates love stories from real love.
In Pride and Prejudice, this cold, hard man who is so in control of his emotions, totally cracks up when he's telling Lizzie he loves her, because he loves her SO much.
YEAH RIGHT.
Not to mention the fact that if a man did that in real life, you'd think he was a s soppy as a wet blanket!
But for all of my realistic deductions, I still daydream about guys falling head over heels for me, or worshipping me from a distance, or taking me for walks on beaches, or kissing in the pouring rain. I still watch Pride and Prejudice and think 'ahh, if only' and even more stupidly: 'ahhh, one day...'
Then when we got back from watching the film, I was talking to Amy about it and saying how it's never rally like that, and she said she's had love like that before.
Wait a minute...
Eh?
You're telling me in can be like that?
Now it's got me thinking again. Because as cynical as I am, I want romance so badly, I think I'm willing to believe something like that if someone tells me it's true. But it's so dangerous. I can't get my hopes up because if I have the slightest hope that love is really this tingly, gushy, romantic comfort blanket it's made out to be in films, then as soon as someone comes along who I really like, my sensible side will shut down and the nonsensical, childlike, naive side of me that wants to believe in love and romance will go into overdrive. And I can't let that happen because then I'll just get hurt.
Crazy bloody female brain. It's so contradictory.
I know the reality of life and love, but I want so badly to believe in the fairytale ideal. Because maybe if I believed in it, then it would happen...
But I can't let myself believe. Something deep inside me tells me to stay cynical for my own good. It feels like a sort of self defence mechanism.
What is going on in my head?"
It's always interesting to glimse back into your head at an earlier stage of life. For me, it helps to remember what I've learnt. It also reminds me that we make mistakes because we are not born with the knowledge we need to live: we learn it as we go through our lives; we piece it together; we experiment; we play. That is comforting. I didn't always, but these days I try to hold in my consciousness the fact that getting things wrong can be a good thing.
Oh yes, I made mistakes in love. Show me the person who hasn't and I will simply snigger and think 'Wow, that must've been one boring love life.' At 20, I was so ashamed that I had started out with such a throw-yourself-in-headfirst outlook on relationships. But now I just see that I was an excited child, and I'm glad I did it. Especially since the other option seems to be to sit back and wait for it to come to you... and in my experience, it doesn't.
Everything was so black and white for me in those days. Well, I say 'those days'... in fact I have only just recently begun to understand the spectrum of life's options. And I guess I had just emerged from a heartbreaking relationship collapse so it's hardly surprising I was a little on the pessimistic side when it came to love.
But I do find it interesting to look back and see how the opinions I have now began to form from what was happenning to me at previous stages of my life.
At 20, my daydreams were at such odds with the reality of my lovelife, I didn't know how it was possible that the two things could ever aline. Deep in my heart was the hope of fairytale romance, while my head was full of recent and raw memories of pain and disappointment. It seemed that it couldn't be possible to have both- that it HAD to be one or the other, and since my reality at that time was pain and disappointment, it was only the sensible thing to do to put my trust in that.
The sheer surprise that my friend told me fairytale love was possible! I was so reluctant to believe her. So afraid to believe her!
And now... having lived a further eight years and gone through a handful of relationships in that time... now how do I feel about it?
I still don't know. Will I ever know? All I can say is that I believe in the spectrum of life: that it is possible to have perfect fairytale romance- though I would imagine it happens in bursts and would never expect a happy-ever-after. I also disagree with my 20 year old self on the subject of romantic men. I do now believe that men are fond of a bit of romance with a woman they truly admire (they just hate to admit or even think about it until they're there in that headspace, hence men hating romantic movies!) What I don't know is if everyone gets to experience it.
There appears to be 3 main types of love: a sexual attraction that eventually leads to friendship; a friendship that eventually leads to a sexual attraction; and finally the little gem (think yourself DAMN lucky if you get to experience this one) 'love at first sight,' when friendship and sexual attraction collide at once upon meeting. There are also relationships where one piece is missing- ie a sexual relationship where one or maybe even both partners feel no frienship bond, or a deeply strong friendship with no sexual attraction. And unfortunately, I personally don't believe either of these relationships can stand the test of time.
So now I live in hope that at some point in the not too distant future, I will find one of the three previous options, and that there will be some fairytale romance in it: maybe we'll kiss in the rain, maybe he'll write a song for me (not too soppy, mind)... I'm not saying I want Pride and Prejudice style romance, with all it's unrequited love, heartbreak and changing opinions... I stick to what I wrote then about that kind of malarky (ie- that is not romantic that is just painful) but still... 'ahhh, one day...'
"I think I need to change the record slightly, but I guess at this point in my life I should be allowed to have lots of contemplative thoughts about love.
 |
| utterly miserable but still somehow looking perfect... |
But then I had to stop myself. I was sitting there in the cinema thinking 'this is ridiculous'
I mean- Lizzie was miserable and in tears. Mr Darcy was miserable and had not only found out that Lizzie didn't love him, but had been shouted at and told in no uncertain tems that she hated him.
In the film it's all romantic, but in real life those sorts of things are fucking horrible. It's not romantic to be in tears all the time. I have been in that situation- so unhappy in love that you can't stop crying almost every day. It is not romantic. And it's not romantic to be head over heels with someone who doesn't like you, because in real life they probably won't change their minds. And also, in real life you wouldn't want somebody you hated to be in love with you. So the person who's doing the unrequited loving has their thoughts and their life consumed by the person they're never going to get, and the person on the other side knows they've got someone in love with them who they really don't want to have anything to do with. It's not romantic, it's a mess.Anyway, that's one side of it- that in films the unhappy bits are always romantic but in real life they're just horrible.
The other thing I was thinking about was the whole idea of love as it is in films like this one. It's the bee in my bonnet. I hate it that films give you this picture of love that you spend most of your youth in pursute of before realising it's not like that in real life.
The more I think about it, the more I can't believe my naivety and my ideals about love and relationships when I first started to get into it.
How could I have been so blinkered? How could I stumble into it so blindly but so full-throttle? I just pointed myself in the right direction and ran full pelt without stopping to think about what I was doing. I expected to fall in love every time I met a man I liked. I wanted to fall in love so badly, and I didn't understand anything. I didn't get how difficult love actually is to find, or how transitory it can be, or more importantly, that most people aren't actively seeking it like I was. I think I thought everyone entered a relationship hoping it would end in love, whereas actually most relationships seem to be entirely based on a physical attraction and sex to start with, and if there is acutally this wierd human conceptual force called 'love', that kicks in a long way down the line, if the physical attraction holds out but a strong friendship bond (that feeling of clicking) forms as well.
Anyway, getting back to Pride and Prejudice- the reason I believe I rushed off in search of fairytale love is that all I had learnt so far about love, I had learnt from books and films. I had no concept at all of how those stories are manipulated to please their female viewers. I mean- why do men hate romantic films so much?
Because they find them silly and cheesy. Because they don't think about romance in the same way women do. And this is the overriding fact that separates love stories from real love.
In Pride and Prejudice, this cold, hard man who is so in control of his emotions, totally cracks up when he's telling Lizzie he loves her, because he loves her SO much.
YEAH RIGHT.
Not to mention the fact that if a man did that in real life, you'd think he was a s soppy as a wet blanket!
But for all of my realistic deductions, I still daydream about guys falling head over heels for me, or worshipping me from a distance, or taking me for walks on beaches, or kissing in the pouring rain. I still watch Pride and Prejudice and think 'ahh, if only' and even more stupidly: 'ahhh, one day...'Then when we got back from watching the film, I was talking to Amy about it and saying how it's never rally like that, and she said she's had love like that before.
Wait a minute...
Eh?
You're telling me in can be like that?
Now it's got me thinking again. Because as cynical as I am, I want romance so badly, I think I'm willing to believe something like that if someone tells me it's true. But it's so dangerous. I can't get my hopes up because if I have the slightest hope that love is really this tingly, gushy, romantic comfort blanket it's made out to be in films, then as soon as someone comes along who I really like, my sensible side will shut down and the nonsensical, childlike, naive side of me that wants to believe in love and romance will go into overdrive. And I can't let that happen because then I'll just get hurt.
Crazy bloody female brain. It's so contradictory.
I know the reality of life and love, but I want so badly to believe in the fairytale ideal. Because maybe if I believed in it, then it would happen...
But I can't let myself believe. Something deep inside me tells me to stay cynical for my own good. It feels like a sort of self defence mechanism.
What is going on in my head?"
It's always interesting to glimse back into your head at an earlier stage of life. For me, it helps to remember what I've learnt. It also reminds me that we make mistakes because we are not born with the knowledge we need to live: we learn it as we go through our lives; we piece it together; we experiment; we play. That is comforting. I didn't always, but these days I try to hold in my consciousness the fact that getting things wrong can be a good thing.
Oh yes, I made mistakes in love. Show me the person who hasn't and I will simply snigger and think 'Wow, that must've been one boring love life.' At 20, I was so ashamed that I had started out with such a throw-yourself-in-headfirst outlook on relationships. But now I just see that I was an excited child, and I'm glad I did it. Especially since the other option seems to be to sit back and wait for it to come to you... and in my experience, it doesn't.
Everything was so black and white for me in those days. Well, I say 'those days'... in fact I have only just recently begun to understand the spectrum of life's options. And I guess I had just emerged from a heartbreaking relationship collapse so it's hardly surprising I was a little on the pessimistic side when it came to love.But I do find it interesting to look back and see how the opinions I have now began to form from what was happenning to me at previous stages of my life.
At 20, my daydreams were at such odds with the reality of my lovelife, I didn't know how it was possible that the two things could ever aline. Deep in my heart was the hope of fairytale romance, while my head was full of recent and raw memories of pain and disappointment. It seemed that it couldn't be possible to have both- that it HAD to be one or the other, and since my reality at that time was pain and disappointment, it was only the sensible thing to do to put my trust in that.
The sheer surprise that my friend told me fairytale love was possible! I was so reluctant to believe her. So afraid to believe her!
And now... having lived a further eight years and gone through a handful of relationships in that time... now how do I feel about it?
I still don't know. Will I ever know? All I can say is that I believe in the spectrum of life: that it is possible to have perfect fairytale romance- though I would imagine it happens in bursts and would never expect a happy-ever-after. I also disagree with my 20 year old self on the subject of romantic men. I do now believe that men are fond of a bit of romance with a woman they truly admire (they just hate to admit or even think about it until they're there in that headspace, hence men hating romantic movies!) What I don't know is if everyone gets to experience it. There appears to be 3 main types of love: a sexual attraction that eventually leads to friendship; a friendship that eventually leads to a sexual attraction; and finally the little gem (think yourself DAMN lucky if you get to experience this one) 'love at first sight,' when friendship and sexual attraction collide at once upon meeting. There are also relationships where one piece is missing- ie a sexual relationship where one or maybe even both partners feel no frienship bond, or a deeply strong friendship with no sexual attraction. And unfortunately, I personally don't believe either of these relationships can stand the test of time.
So now I live in hope that at some point in the not too distant future, I will find one of the three previous options, and that there will be some fairytale romance in it: maybe we'll kiss in the rain, maybe he'll write a song for me (not too soppy, mind)... I'm not saying I want Pride and Prejudice style romance, with all it's unrequited love, heartbreak and changing opinions... I stick to what I wrote then about that kind of malarky (ie- that is not romantic that is just painful) but still... 'ahhh, one day...'
Time to Think
Have you ever sat and written down every thought that comes into your head? A friend of mine did it as part of a psycology lesson at 6th form college. I never did find out what the point of it was, but when I was 20, just after leaving university, when my life was still just a jumble of friends, alcohol, drugs and temp-work, I decided to have a go at it. This is what I wrote:
" It's nine o'clock. I've just had a bath, a glass of blackcurrant squash with rum, and a spliff. Now I'm sitting on the unfolded sofa bed, watching football with my housemates, probably smoking a bit more.
These are my thoughts:
My head's a bit funny. I want something but I'm not sure what it is. I never enjoy getting stoned as much as I think I'm going to.
I should be thinking more than I am. Why can you never think of anything when you feel like you should.
Rebecca did this in pyscology or something at sixth form. I wonder if it's the normal thing- to start off thinking about thinking before your mind sort of lets go and you start thinking about more normal things.
It's a bit like when I go to bed at night and try to think of things to go to sleep to. I always start of thinking about thinking- trying really hard to think of things to think about! But then as I drift off I always get really into what I'm thinking about, so that I don't even realise that I'm thinking.
We did about this in the first year with my favourite tutor. God what was his name? Jim maybe? Yeah I think it was Jim.
Anyway- he was telling us about lateral thinking. He loved lateral thinking. I think that was one of the reasons I liked him so much- it was that level of intelligence.
He said what your mind goes through as you fall asleep- the patterns and the amount of your brain you use- and I think the fact was that your brain works most just before you fall asleep. It's amazing to think really.
Susan was talking today about how time goes at different speeds- no sorry- you perceive time going at different speeds, depending on things like adrenaline and your inner clock. I said something about how we think of time as such a set thing and Kim said 'Well according to the laws of physics, it is.' But, god, I don't know- am I being thick? Surely time is just things going by? And things go by at the same rate, however quickly they seem to be going by for us. So if they seem to go by quicker, or slower than they actually are, doesn't that mean that time changes depending on our perception of it?
So time is no more than your perception of it? It can be different for everyone? I'm sure physics would immediately prove that I'm totally wrong. I hate not knowing or understanding the answers.
If time is just things going by- what happens to time if nothing happens? In a vacuum- or more than that- in less than a vacuum (can that be? Black holes? Less than a vacuum? Infinite mass? How can that happen? AAARRRGGG!) What happens to time? If there is nothing there- nothing at all- nothing happenning, nothing going by- then how can there be time?
I should read up about this. I don't know anything about it at all. All these thoughts are just my thoughts.
I'm hungry. At least I think I am. I don't like thinking I'm hungry when I don't think I should be. I feel greedy. I think I'm going to put on weight.
I think I want toast. Mmmm. I think I do. Toast and jam and peanut butter."
" It's nine o'clock. I've just had a bath, a glass of blackcurrant squash with rum, and a spliff. Now I'm sitting on the unfolded sofa bed, watching football with my housemates, probably smoking a bit more.
These are my thoughts:
My head's a bit funny. I want something but I'm not sure what it is. I never enjoy getting stoned as much as I think I'm going to.
I should be thinking more than I am. Why can you never think of anything when you feel like you should.
Rebecca did this in pyscology or something at sixth form. I wonder if it's the normal thing- to start off thinking about thinking before your mind sort of lets go and you start thinking about more normal things.
It's a bit like when I go to bed at night and try to think of things to go to sleep to. I always start of thinking about thinking- trying really hard to think of things to think about! But then as I drift off I always get really into what I'm thinking about, so that I don't even realise that I'm thinking.
We did about this in the first year with my favourite tutor. God what was his name? Jim maybe? Yeah I think it was Jim.
Anyway- he was telling us about lateral thinking. He loved lateral thinking. I think that was one of the reasons I liked him so much- it was that level of intelligence.
He said what your mind goes through as you fall asleep- the patterns and the amount of your brain you use- and I think the fact was that your brain works most just before you fall asleep. It's amazing to think really.
Susan was talking today about how time goes at different speeds- no sorry- you perceive time going at different speeds, depending on things like adrenaline and your inner clock. I said something about how we think of time as such a set thing and Kim said 'Well according to the laws of physics, it is.' But, god, I don't know- am I being thick? Surely time is just things going by? And things go by at the same rate, however quickly they seem to be going by for us. So if they seem to go by quicker, or slower than they actually are, doesn't that mean that time changes depending on our perception of it?
If time is just things going by- what happens to time if nothing happens? In a vacuum- or more than that- in less than a vacuum (can that be? Black holes? Less than a vacuum? Infinite mass? How can that happen? AAARRRGGG!) What happens to time? If there is nothing there- nothing at all- nothing happenning, nothing going by- then how can there be time?
I should read up about this. I don't know anything about it at all. All these thoughts are just my thoughts.
I'm hungry. At least I think I am. I don't like thinking I'm hungry when I don't think I should be. I feel greedy. I think I'm going to put on weight.
I think I want toast. Mmmm. I think I do. Toast and jam and peanut butter."
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