The Truth

I'm going to start by saying it's taking quite a lot of my courage to write this post. I hope if anyone reads it they will understand why I'm writing it: not as a cry for help or to beg indirectly for sympathy, but as more of a way of explaining what a depression feels like for me. No doubt it'll help get it off my chest and perhaps someone will read it and recognise the feelings and maybe that will help them in a roundabout way. Or maybe not.

Most of the time I like to write when I'm feeling strong. I like to write mostly about behaviour I observe in others and how I feel that behaviour relates to myself. I like to feel I'm giving suggestions, answers maybe... But this time I'm not going to talk about anybody else and I'm not going to give any advice. I'm going to talk about myself.

Beginning with the fact that just writing that one sentence immediately brings up feelings of insecurity and... it's not self hate... self dislike would be a better explaination of the feeling. Because what gives me the right to broadcast to the world my own feelings of self pity? Why would I want to trouble people who clearly have bigger problems than I do but who keep them quietly to themselves and deal with them? Why would I want to inflict my own misery onto friends who have put time and effort into finding a happy place in their lives- why would I want to bring their mood down? Why am I being so stubbornly self centred? Why do I feel the need to feel sorry for myself? Why can I not just pull myself together? I can hear my own Dad's voice in my head: memories of a fourteen year old me being scolded for those very things. I can remember childishly wanting sympathy but in an awkward adolescent way not being able to ask for it correctly, and angering my parents instead.

Those and many other thoughts race through my mind quicker than I can decipher them when I say something like 'I'm going to talk about myself' and I'm just left with a sickening feeling of guilt.

Over the past months I have been working on finding a balance in my life and in my head: a place where instead of swinging violently between over-the-moon and bottom-of-the-ocean, I could maybe laze on the beach instead, metaphorically speaking! And though it has felt like a hard graft at times, I do believe I am learning to settle my emotions by a process of understanding what drives my behaviour, coping with my symptoms of PMT and finding ways to step outside of the usual emotional loops.

But there are still times when everything I've learnt gets swept away in an emotional tidalwave and I find myself back at square one.... exactly where I find myself today.

So far 2012 has been a bit of a whirlwind. I have had fantastic highlights: social events, trips to the countryside, winter camping, tai chi... but behind that I am still struggling with relationships, money and unobtained life aspirations. Rocky terrain to traverse. So when insomnia and PMT kick in, back to the ocean bed I sink.

The truth is I am exhausted. And there again is that feeling of sickening guilt. How dare I feel tired? How many of my friends are working 50 hour weeks, cycling to and from work, putting in overtime, spending most of their spare time busy with whatever other things fill their lives... and not complaining? I work from home, I can have time off if I need it, I can wake up late if I need to... how dare I feel tired?!? But it can't be avoided and it can't be denied... I am simply exhausted. Maybe it's years of internal conflict, maybe it's more to do with the last year of trying to sort out that internal conflict, maybe it's just this time of year! I just don't know the answer to that. But over the past couple of months I keep finding myself so low on energy I can barely make it out of the bedroom. And some will say 'that's entirely psycological'. Fuck, I even tell myself that! But all I can say to that is- do you think I choose to feel this way? I'll tell you right now that I don't! I know that it's a sypmtom of depression to dig yourself into a reclusive little hole and stay there, but I would imagine the people who find themselves comfortable in that hole have lost the will to get out of it (and I honestly understand how a person could feel that way) but I have not. I am trying with every inch of me to scramble out of this hole, and let me tell you now it is as knackering as physically trying to scramble out of a deep muddy-banked hole!

And then there's the insomnia. Always kicks in when I hit the bottom, and that is the least helpful thing my brain and body can do when I'm there. I feel immensly tired but it's like a door's been wedged open somewhere deep in my brain, letting a stream of consciousness through that I just can't block out. So then I've got hours in which to lie there, trying to entice sleep but instead finding myself going over and over things in my head: and some of those things are inevitably, very unhealthy things to think. Then of course, the next day, through lack of sleep, I find myself over emotional and the root of the insomnia is increased tenfold and even if it was just a niggle the day before, now it is a mountain I have to climb... a mountain I have to climb on 3 hours sleep...

I need a hug. It's on these days that I feel hideously single (there are, of course days when I feel gorgeously single, but today is not one of those days). Logically I know that even if I was in a relationship, my own reluctancy to accept that I deserve sympathy would prevent me from asking for it, but in my head, if I had a boyfriend, now is the point at which he would take me in his arms and stroke my hair until I felt like myself again.

I might at this point, send an encrypted text message to a friend, hoping they will read between the lines and ask me if I'm OK, and then I can say 'no actually I need a hug' and they will say 'Oh poor you! Hope you feel better soon' and then I will feel better. But I will never actually ask for sympathy and I will very rarely get it because of that.

And that is my depression in a nutshell. Maybe tonight I will sleep right through the night and maybe tomorrow I will read back through this passage and, with a twinge of embarrassment, tell myself I was being self centred and over emotional, and that I should never ever show this side of me to anybody because they will think less of me. But if I spend my good days denying to myself or anybody else that this side of me exists, won't that just widen the gap between the happy me and the sad me? After all, I am trying to combine the two rather than seperate them.

Look after of yourselves.

Spring's just around the corner, time to wake up!

"It's a great burden being holier than everyone else, but I enjoy it"

I wrote about a week ago "Hello universe, please give me something to look forward to..." and the next day, I was invited to a tai chi retreat. A friend had booked the trip with someone who hurt their back at the last minute, so it was all paid for and sorted, I just had to turn up!
Strangely enough, for anyone who believes in coincidences, about a year ago I had decided I wanted to learn tai chi and looked into courses; hadn't booked anything and eventually forgot about it. Then recently a friend  started going to a class nearby, and I had also noticed funny little references to tai chi around the place which got me thinking about it again. And then I was offered it on a plate!

Now, when I was looking into courses, I was paying special care to find people teaching tai chi as a martial art, avoiding as much of the "hippy shit" (as I call it) as possible. Of course, tai chi originated in China as a martial art, but I think as it spread west and got mixed up with our own and various other cultures, it became kind of diluted with our own ideas of stress relief. I suppose now if someone mentions tai chi, most people will picture groups of middle aged women on hilltops a la Calendar Girls and won't realise that the movements are actually fighting poses (or rather defensive poses, but I won't go into that in detail... check out Wikipedia if you want to know more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T'ai_chi_ch'uan )

So, I've just arrived back from the retreat. I feel like a different person to the stressed out, tired, ill one who left for the hotel on Friday. In fact, as we were driving away, I had the strangest feeling that I'd left part of me there: not a part of me that I missed though, a part of me that had been so wound up I ended up in bed for 3 days with a migraine!
But when I woke up this morning, instead of finding myself floating carelessly out of sleep in a relaxed haze, I felt angry. Why was this?
Now, I'm not in any way being ungrateful for my free spa weekend! Let's get that straight right here: I couldn't be more grateful, it was a beautiful and incredibly relaxing experience... but this was (to a large extent) despite the retreat organisers and not because of them, and it's got me thinking...
You know what, I prefer people who are looking for answers to people who think they have the answers.

The owner of the hotel was a rich businessman who apparently used to own a number of nightclubs in London, now owns one, but never visits it. He had a calm demeanour which I later determined to be more passive aggressive than simply passive. He taught the tai chi and took the meditation session on the second night. He told us many interesting and eye-opening lessons about the principals behind tai chi, and to begin with I liked his no-nonsense teaching style. But as the lesson went on, I began to doubt his motives for pulling complete beginners up in front of the rest of the class, watching like an eagle, correcting every move and letting us sit down only when we had it right. Talking to other members of the group, half of them were scared of him and desperate to get it right so they wouldn't be told off... even though the words coming from his mouth were 'you need to loose the ego, there is no aspect of competition here, you shouldn't care if you get it wrong' his actions were telling us quite the opposite!
By lunchtime we had been concentrating and practicing the form for three hours, and were all starving. The soup and salad were tasty, but didn't really hit the spot, especially after the small portion of chicken and brown rice we'd had for dinner the night before. When my friend and I went to the office we found the boss sitting with some salad next to his receptionist who was tucking into a Macdonalds. My friend expressed jealousy at her box of chips and I agreed.

Back in the hall, boss walks in and says 'Who here smokes, put your hand up' (a number of sheepish hands go into the air) 'Who drinks?' (more hands) 'Who eats unhealthy food?' (most hands in the room reach apologetically for the ceiling).
'What's the point in training in self defence if you're doing these things? You don't need to worry about someone else killing you, you're doing it yourself. You might as well be hitting yourself repeatedly in the face with a brick' I think later... was that a dig about the chips comment?
That night, after a tiny portion of chilli and more brown rice, the whole group get together and do their best to polish off the hotel's entire wine cellar. Someone makes a trip to a nearby shop and on their return, tips a carrier bag of crisps, sweets and chocolate onto the table. Half of us dig into it, the other half are outside having a fag. I think to myself 'Mmmmm, it's like hitting myself repeatedly in the face with a tasty, tasty brick.'

Rewind back a couple of hours. My friend and I are taking part in a 'sacred earth meditation' which involved dancing around for five minutes, standing in a circle and jiggling up and down for five minutes, repeating this twice more, then lying flat on our backs for ten minutes, followed by hugging the rest of the group one by one and promising to look after our earth. All this was done to the most horrendous 'hippy shit' soundtrack: bad trance music with a voice over the top spouting empty sermons on loving our earth and walking hand in hand with our fellow humans. I think to myself 'Well, this is like my worst nightmare but I'm here, might as well enjoy it' and I throw myself into the activity, dancing like I dance when I'm alone in my bedroom, jiggling with vigour, shaking every part of my body and concentrating on loosening up all those muscles I'd had tensed for so long...
Boss spends the dance sessions moving slowly around the room doing a bad Dad dance. During the jiggling session he breaks off into the centre of the circle and walks slowly round, watching everyone. He heads towards me and I say to myself 'If you're coming to tell me I'm jiggling wrong I'm going to be angry.' But he just looks at me and moves on.
When the meditation is over we have to sit in a circle and, one by one, speak for two minutes about our experience. There's no way I'm going to lie and talk about my incredible emotional experience when I just didn't have one. I say I love to dance, I do it a lot and I love dancing in nightclubs: I love the trance state you can get into when you just dance and forget everything around you, how you can just let the music fill you up and go with it, but that personally I have trouble letting go completely if I don't like the music. I said that the jiggling was really good for loosening up, but that all I could think about was how much the blood was rushing to my fingertips, and that I do a bit of meditation at home, and always find that fantastic for emptying your head and relaxing. He doesn't seem best pleased but he just says 'Ok' and moves on around the circle. Most of the group say exactly what you'd expect... 'I really enjoyed it, it was nice.'

When it's the Boss' time to speak, he says 'I like this sacred earth meditation' and then just goes on about the hippy shit speakers and where we can hear more if we want. He says he has done this meditatation in the past with a group of over a hundred. My friend jokingly says 'Sounds like a rave!' and I laugh. He stops in his tracks, turns to us seriously and asks my friend to repeat herself. We both say 'sounds like a rave' and people laugh. This doesn't go down well. He turns away from us, addresses the rest of the group and starts spouting about how there's much more to this mediataion than the contrived dancing you might do in a nightclub. Me and my friend just look at each other.

Putting aside the fact that it's just insulting to be dismissed and picked on it this way, my problem with his reaction to our telling the truth about the less-than-life-changing experience is that he's not allowing for difference of character. I totally understand that for half of the group, this meditation was a new, eye-opening way of relaxing. Some of these people would never have been to a nightclub, never experienced that incredible sensation of moving as one part of a huge surging crowd. Some of them would never have meditated in their lives. Some of them would have loved the music. For some people there, it truly was a life changing experience, and I think that's absolutely brilliant for them. All we were saying was that personally, for us, we have found other things that work better, and we were having a bit of a laugh!
I don't go back to the tai chi class the next day. Surprisingly, I'm not too fussed about being picked at and used as a self-righteous, passive aggressive example of what he sees as 'wrong'. I may have the wrong end of the stick here but it certainly felt like he was trying to tell us that we don't understand, that he knows how to become 'zen' and that we weren't doing it right.

Instead, I head to the pool and sauna (which I have to myself for the whole morning), and spend my time swimming in the bath-warm water, watching the ripples form and dissipate, contemplating energy and emotions and friendship and togetherness, writing, reading, and just quieting myself. After that I felt like I was walking on air.
Now tell me that's not a better meditation than standing in a circle jiggling whilst being watched by a creepy man with authority issues.

Meditation No.1- The Bay

It’s sunrise over the bay. The yellow-white sand stretches out in front of my feet like a blanket to meet the sea. The water is so calm, the waves barely seem to move except for a gentle lapping as each one breaks on the shore. Where the sun is rising on the horizon, its light hits the distant ocean and gleams like heaven: white and gold, then fading through shades of candyfloss pink and swimming pool blue until above my head the last few bright stars twinkle in an indigo sky.

The beach curves away, drawing a sand-coloured moon shape into the blue of the ocean: to the right, reaching out of the water in a naturally formed jetty; to the left, punctured by rocks which eventually cluster together to form a large system of rock pools stretching out into the ocean.

It’s so quiet: the only sound the gentle repetitive lapping of the waves and the glittery rasping breath of the sand as it’s pulled towards the ocean.

Behind me the jungle is yet to wake: palms and giant ferns, rocks, streams, moss; greener than grass; damp and warm.

I sit on the cool sand. I watch. I wait.

Gimmee a break!

I'd like to make some revisions to my last blog based on recent encounters.

I wrote before that 'I see happy people and I see sad people and I see that we don't see it in ourselves... It's so easy to see from an outside perspective, and so difficult from a personal one.' But I've realised just in the last few days, that what I wrote isn't exactly true. I think some people just don't see it at all: in themselves or in others.

Isn't that a damn shame? I suppose I never really analysed compassion in this way before, but it must start with simply understanding that a person is in a certain mood,probably brought on by something going on in their lives. And I guess that a lot of people just don't naturally do that! And that is a shame because things would be a lot easier for people en-mass if we all understood each other's moods!

I came to this conclusion in the last couple of days after a conversation with a friend where they (I expect with the best intention) implied that I have something 'wrong' with me because I have mood swings and because I get down and anxious at times. They commented on one particular incident years back, saying it was proof that my head wasn't quite right.

Now, this person is a good friend and I trust them to look out for me... but hearing these words come from their mouth was a bit of a slap in the face for me and I do not agree with their point of view! What they have failed to take into account is that they are living a happy, successful and fairly stress-free life and I am not! They own their own house, they are in a long-term happy relationship, they have a well paid job that gives them financial security and a daily routine. I don't have any of those things. I am trying to find my way and things are quite difficult. I honestly don't mind admitting that! I'm not happy with where my life is, I am trying to get somewhere I will be happy but I can't just snap my fingers and do that and yes- it does mean that my moods fluctuate and sometimes I am not happy. But that does NOT mean there's something wrong with me.

Also, at the time of the incident my friend spoke of, things in my life were in fact much worse than they are right now: I was in the middle of the breakdown of a relationship with someone I was very much in love with: they were leaving me and not the other way round (anyone who's been through that will know what it does to you!), I was unhappy at work and shortly after I left my job and moved to the other side of the city to escape that life. So to me it seems obvious that it was those upsetting things in my life that were affecting me, NOT a problem with my head!

I use myself as an example here, but I know it is not just me who suffers from this kind of 'misunderstanding' when it comes to mental health. I'm sick of being told to grow a thick skin, to just 'cope' with things, that letting it get to you shows weakness, that you must put it all aside and put on a brave face. Why should we all have to ignore our worries and downplay our sadness for others, particularly our friends? I know we'll never get anywhere if we're constantly melancholly and negative: I know that our moods tend to rub off on others and you can't always be miserable with your friends or they'll start to feel it too. But what I'm saying is it's a shame that people don't always seem to understand that other peoples lives and other people's moods are not the same as their own. If someone seems a little crazy, why can't we all just take a second to see if there's a simple and obvious reason for that rather than branding them as 'unstable' and hoping they'll 'pull themselves together'.

Self help... does it help?

I love to people-watch. I wouldn't call it voyeurism, I don't own a pair of binoculars. But I do constantly observe and note people's behaviour, and I try to make sense of what they do, and then I guess I use my musings to try to make sense of what I do. Or is it the other way round... haven't worked that one out yet...

I see happy people and I see sad people. And I see that they don't see it in themselves.
In general terms, there are people I know who are having it tough right now: overworked, stressed, anxious and lonely. There are other people who are having a whale of a time: in exciting relationships, doing jobs they enjoy, financially comfortable (and I don't mean rolling in it, I just mean they are making more money than they spend on basic living, so that they have a little spare to use on things that make them happy.) And from an outsider's point of view, it isn't exactly rocket science to see why the first group of people are miserable and the second are not.
But do we see it in ourselves? I don't believe we do.
'I'm so hyperactive, I don't know why! It must be that coffee I had 3 days ago!' Exclaims one friend.
'I just don't understand myself. I can't work it out. I don't know what to do.' Another quietly admits.
In simple terms:
a. coffee doesn't give you a three day buzz- you're hyperactive because you're happy, and you're happy because generally speaking, things in your life are great right now
b. it isn't you that's the problem- you don't understand what to do with yourself because you're unhappy, and you're unhappy because your life is stressful and lonely right now.
It's so easy to see from an outside perspective, and so difficult from a personal one. We overcomplicate things. We look for answers and in doing this we miss the obvious.

And time also warps and bends around our moods, and by this I mean that during happy times, it seems to fly by. We are not particularly aware of it passing, except that occasionally we may look over our shoulder and go 'wow, how did I get here... oh please slow down time, I don't want this to end!' During unhappy times, we feel as though we're wading through a metaphorical swamp of time: it slows right down and we are soooo aware of it. Days drag, it seems as though we've been here forever and we cannot imagine an end.
So person b, in the depths of the swamp, looks for a way out. He takes responsibility for his own position. He says 'Only I can get myself out of this mess, what shall I do to make it better?' He analyses his feelings and makes decisions that he believes will improve his mood. He is going to fix himself!

So he goes online, he reads what other people have to say. He speaks to his friends. He comes away with a plethora of tips and lessons in positive thinking and mind-over-matter. He's given a list as long as his arm of books to read, boasting exciting titles like 'Five Steps to Emotional Healing, The Last Self Help Book You Will Ever Need', 'Change Your Life In Seven Days', 'Free Yourself From Anxiety' and 'Fix Your Life'. He puts a posters up that remind him 'whether you think you can't or think you can't, you're right,' 'You may believe that you are responisble for what you do, but not what you think. The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can excercise choice. What you do comes from what you think' and 'Determination is power' to remind himself that he is in control of his thoughts and his life, and he must work hard every day to get better.
And he does feel better for it. He feels like he's taking steps in the right direction. He feels strong... for a while...
But the question I pose to self helpers and positive thinkers is: can you really change the world around you just by trying to look at it in a positive light? And so many people will say YES a resounding YES YES YES. Good things will only come to you if you believe in them. You must attract positive energy. If you are negative and unhappy, then you will only attract negative energy. You must think positivly, you must make yourself happy.

And to a certain extent, I agree. At least, I agree up to the point where you find yourself frustratedly attempting to be positive whilst blocking out the fact that you've had a horrible day working at something that you're not enjoying but must be done; or that you've got more work to do than is possible in the time available; or that you're still sleeping in an empty bed after years of being single; or that the person you loved simply isn't there any more; or that you've got the best job you've ever had, except your boss treats you like crap; or that you're working your ass off to make not-quite-enough-money-to-live-on; or any number of other things that no amount of positive thinking can change!
I recently read a quote that suggested a person who is unhappy because they've lived their lives according to what they were taught by the people who influenced them as a kid deserves to be unhappy. I suppose the purpose of this quote was to make people realise they must 'do it for themselves'... all very well and good. But there is a flip side of the coin. For a person who (like me) learnt lessons from the people they loved and admired, truly believing it was all for the best, but still found themselves unhappy, the message reads 'you've done it wrong, you shouldn't have listened to them, this is all your fault.'
In the same vein, in reading theories on self help and mind-over-matter, you are giving yourself rules to live by that state 'if you are not happy, it is your own fault.' Maybe it's not your fault! Maybe you are doing nothing wrong. Maybe your life just isn't that great right now!
I'm not saying that it's completely out of your hands. I know there are many situations in which you find yourself unhappy and you will only become happy again by actively doing something to change it. But there are also many situations (usually temporary ones) where you just can't do anything other than ride it out. During these times I think the only 'fix' is to SEE IT and remind yourself of the transitory nature of the situation, and to have hope for the future. Forget 'living in the moment', picture yourself on the other side of it because it is there.
I guess what I'm saying is that we shouldn't be too quick to try and change ourselves, because a lot of the time there's actually nothing wrong with us at all, it's not what's inside our heads but outside them that is unhappy. And if one thing IS certain, it's that things change...

GUILTY TILL PROVEN OTHERWISE

Do you know anyone on the run from the tax man? I do. It doesn't look like a fun place to be.

This person didn't make any money to speak of in the years they avoided the dreaded tax return, but because they didn't write in and prove this, they are now in the government's debt.

What do you say to someone who has ignored all the letters, all the requests and all the threats; who has paid no attention to the adverts on TV reminding them to complete their tax return; who knows the law and has chosen to ignore it? What do you say to them when the law finally catches up with them and they find themselves spending a large chunk of their existence in fear of being given a dehabilitating fine, or loosing their meagre property to bailiffs, or possibly even being arrested because of their inaction?

I'm almost ashamed to say that my gut reaction is that they should have just done what they were told in the first place. They should have just played the game. No, I'll rephrase that... we are ALL playing the game, whether we opt in or not. You have to play to the 'pre-arranged' rules or you'll only find yourself in trouble sooner or later. They should have played to those rules instead of carrying on their life as if they WEREN'T playing the game.

And that is my reaction because that's what I do. I never really even contemplated why I did it... I just did it because it's what you do. They say you have to pay tax, I pay tax. They say you have to fill in your tax return or we'll fine you, I fill in my tax return. It never seemed to be much of a bother. I mean, yes it was frustrating to loose a large chunk of my tiny earnings to tax, but then that's just what happens, what's always happened. And in the past when I did think about it, I justified it with words like 'NHS' and 'Roads' and 'Rubbish Collection' and 'Firemen' and then it made sense that I had to pay my fair share.

But when this happens to someone you're close to, you start to see these things from a different light. And of course, global economical circumstances are unstable at the moment: it seems the eyes of the entire western world are opening to financial matters, particularly those concerning unfairness. We are (en-mass it appears) beginning to suspect the rules of the game aren't designed for the benefit of the players.

Now, I am not justifying tax dodgers here. My opinion is that that basic prinicpal of paying tax is this: in a world without tax, everyone must look after themselves. In a perfect system, tax is a way of working together for the benefit of everyone. So you look at what a society needs to run to its full and greatest capacity, and in our society that means a health system, transport and roads, correct disposal of waste, accident response systems, food, water, housing, jobs and finally, a fairly chosen group of people working together to take care of everything. And to have those things, in our society, in our culture, in the system we have built up over thousands of years, we require money. So it makes sense that providing we all RECIEVE those things to the extent required to live comfortably, that we should each pay for our share of them.

But I also believe that in a fair system, if we decide that we don't want any of those things, that we want to live a life outside of the group, we should be able to. In this 'opt out' alternative option, we wouldn't have to pay tax. But then we must look after ourselves as I said before: grow our own food and take care of our own surroundings, be responsible for our own healthcare and our own transport and our own work. I understand that this would be a difficult thing to control and that's probably why there is no 'opt out' option: unfortunately I think people would take advantage and claim to opt out whilst still using systems sustained by the tax paying individuals. Nobody should have to support able people who aren't giving their fair share.

AHA! So this is where the light should flicker into life above our heads. In fact it should be glowing so brightly it could blind a person! See what we have here is certain rules for some people, and then other rules for other people. Or in other words, hypocricy. Because my last phrase there is EXACTLY what is happening. And even more painfully, it is those of us who are struggling the most that feel it the most.

The trouble is, it's all invisible to us. That's what makes it so frightening when we start opening our eyes to it. Who are we paying tax to? How much exactly are we paying? What is it actually being spent on? Who is paying it and who isn't? We are all giving away our own property without knowing the answers to these very basic and very FAIR questions. But if you try and get straight answers, it's pretty much bloody impossible! And that is both UNFAIR and SUSPECT.

When you start looking for answers yourself, you start noticing things that don't make sense. Why am I struggling to make ends meet, working my ass off and constantly worrying if I'll be able to pay the rent next month, whilst paying for the Royal Family's servants and chandeliers and horses and carriages? How is that in any way essential to my own comfortable living, or that of the majority of the country? Sorry but fuck off! I need FOOD and a HOME!

Give me a reason why there shouldn't be an easily accessible list of all the things we pay for? Why can't there be a number of mandatory tax payments, for the things I listed above as essential for the comfortable living of our entire society... and then another list of voluntary contributions that those of us who can afford to support can choose to pay for?

I'm not even going to start on the whole subject of tax exemption by large corporations, bankers, and other parties who clearly have quite disgusting excesses of money in the first place. Frankly it's sickening and I don't want to think about it.

Similarly, I'm not going to argue about the instant crimination of anyone who misses their tax payments, other than to provide this example of it happening to me:

I personally found myself in a position where my eyes were opened to the unfairness of the tax system a number of years back when I moved out of my student house after leaving university. Living with a group of 6 other young people, it was normal for bills to be left unpaid just a little longer than they should, simply because getting 7 of us to pay up at the same time was pretty much impossible- not to mention the fact that post constantly went missing, with 7 people all putting it in different places. But we weren't criminals or tax dodgers, we were just innocent (and financially broke) kids.

And then out of the blue we had the letter from HMRC informing us that we had missed our last council tax payment and now had to pay well over a thousand pounds, along with a fine of a hundred pounds, within 7 days or we would be taken to court. Suddenly all 7 of us were criminals. No warning letters, no phone call, no visit, just instant criminals unless we paid up.

We scrimped, we borrowed, we went without everything but the basics for a while so that we could pay the bill and save ourselves from the criminal records, but we still ended up with large black marks on our credit reports and were subsequently referred to bailiffs as soon as ANY bill was late for the next few years. I felt like a frightened first year high school pupil being bullied by a large sixth-former for my dinner money. Except it's much worse than that because it takes you so close to real-life despondency that it feels like one more push till you fall off the edge of the world. Dramatic maybe, but you don't know how it feels to be in that position until you've been there, and this is EXACTLY why it is perverse that the people who write the rules, write rules like these... none of them have EVER been there, and if their duty truly was to the general public they wouldn't do it.

And so while in my gut, I wish my friend had just filled in their damn tax return so they could live without the threat of capture, I am also very proud of them for standing up to the bullies and fighting for what they believe in. They chose not to pay for what they didn't want, and if we all did it together at the same time, think of the change we could make...